A Sunday afternoon nap

Today, started off pretty early. I spent the morning brewing coffee, straightening up the kitchen, starting laundry, and playing with the kiddos.

Around 11, I decided to do some decluttering in our monster of a bedroom closet. I brought Ali in the room with me to hang out on the bed while I worked. She was acting pretty tired, so I laid down with her and curled her up against me. This is how she usually falls asleep, but once she is out, I can get up and leave her to rest.

So while she is laying there, falling asleep, I am preoccupied with all the things I need to do. I'm thinking about all of the junk in the closet and what I'm going to do with it, the coffee I've left on the kitchen counter that is growing cold, and the shower I so desperately need. I'm laying there with my mind running a mile a minute waiting for Ali to fall into a deep enough sleep so I can slowly manuever my arm out from underneath her and get to work.

As I listen to her slow even breathing, and feel the tickle of her soft breath on my cheek, I place my hand on her chest and feel the slow beat of her tiny heart. With each steady breath, I feel my body start to relax, and all the tension and stress just melts away. I slowly drift off into a peaceful sleep.

The hubby came in to find us sleeping, covered us with a blanket, turned off the light and shut the door. Soon the sounds of Chloe's laughter and squealing as Daddy played with her filled the house.

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I slowly started to wake up from the restful nap. I watched Alivia's peaceful, smooth, innocent face, listened to her sweet little sleep sighs, and thought about my life. At that very moment, that exact second in time, nothing else mattered. I didn't care about the credit card payment that was late, or the car that needed repairs. I wasn't worried about those extra stubborn pounds I can't get rid of, or the savings account that is shockingly small.

All the stresses that seem to take over my life and occupy my thoughts, all of the bills, the money, the arguments, the tension. None of it matters. In five years, I won't even remember it. But my family, my sweet, sweet girls, they'll always be there. I wish I could take a mental snapshot and tuck it away in my heart forever.

We may not have a new mini van, or matching furniture. Some of my clothes may be hand me downs, and my socks might have holes in them. I might not own any name brand clothes, or luxury hand bags. My shoes might cost less than five dollars, or I might not wear shoes at all. My nail polish might be from the dollar store, and we might drink tap water rather than bottled.

But I have my family. And they have me. All of those giant things that make me so stressed out are so small and insignificant. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what tomorrow holds. But all that matters is this very moment in time.

The pigeons

Today was a busy day. We have been go go go all day long. But in the midst of our crazy agenda, my toddler taught me an important lesson.....SLOW DOWN!

This afternoon we were at the park. Chloe is very timid and shy around strangers, she doesn't like to stray far from Mom. She is very content to sit on the sidelines and watch other kids play. At first it made me sad, as if she is left out. But that is what she enjoys doing, I guess. She loves the swings, and would swing all day long if she could. I was pushing her on the swing and she kept pointing to the sky and yelling "Bird! Yook, bird!" It was a pigeon, we have lots around here, so it was nothing out of the ordinary. A few minutes later, "Yook, bird!" And again "Yook, Mama, bird!" I acknowledged that it was a bird, and smiled at her excitement. Then a few minutes later she watched a bird peck along the grass, then take flight. Her voice was filled with amazement and she said very solemnly "Yook, bird fie, Mom." She watched it soar high in the sky until it was out of sight. "Wowwww!" She breathed.

Sometimes I wish I could see the world through a child's eyes. Everything is so new and amazing, colors are bright and vivid, every day things become extraordinary. It feels as though with age, everything becomes dull, ordinary, mundane, and boring. Birds ARE amazing. Even annoying pigeons.

She is so observant, it is amazing! The park is located near a busy street, and she pointed out the sounds of a motorcycle, a diesel truck, a semi, and the boom of a stereo system. But to me, it was just ordinary traffic noise. She pointed to the helicopter, then the airplane, then another bird in the sky, all of which I wouldn't have noticed. As we walked back to the car, she let go of my hand and knelt down to point at a tiny ant. If she hadn't pointed to it and said "Yook, goss bug!" I probably would have stepped on it and never known it existed.

Her deep, chocolate eyes are so full of life. They dance with excitement and sparkle when she laughs. She is so curious and innocent. The world is just a big giant playground for her to explore.

I wish I could shield her from the sorrow of the world. I want this innocence and wonder to last forever. But before I know it, she will be learning about war, violence, corruption, and pain.

Too soon, the joy and wonder of toddlerhood will end for her. I want to hold every moment that I have with this sweet child close to my heart and never forget it.

Super Mama!

Today was a good day in the land of Mommyville. I was able to take a shower, brush my teeth and get ready. My toddler ate all her fruits and veggies, the toons were off most of the time, Alivia was unusually cheerful. Both girls napped for two hours at the same time and I was able to put that elbow grease to work.

My family is going to bed in freshly washed bedding, with a yummy dinner in their tummy, in a clean home. I packed a healthy lunch for hubby and got him off to work in time. My tub is gleaming, the house smells fresh and clean, and I probably lost a good ten pounds from cleaning nonstop all day! My house was a major tornado zone, but it finally has some semblance of order!

So it was a successful day! Little Ali is rolling over already. It seems way too early for that. Next is scooting, crawling, cruising, then it's all downhill from there! She just wants to get up and go like her big sissy!

Now I'm catching the latest episode of Shear Genius, my newest Bravo fascination. I am obsessed with the reality shows on Bravo. Real Housewives of Orange County, Top Chef, Project Runway, Top Design, and now Shear Genius! Love them! Then it's bedtime where I can snuggle in to my fresh warm sheets and cuddle my chubby, sweet, wiggle worm. Ahhh...life is good!

My, how things change!

It's so very interesting to think back on life's events. Some things make you cringe, some make you smile, and some get you a little misty eyed.

I have changed so much over the past five years. I know, everyone changes. But my life changes have been pretty drastic. Five years ago I was a carefree, fun loving, irresponsible teenager. I loved going out with friends, I laughed a lot, was always making jokes. I actually liked high school and excelled, especially in English and Literature. I was competing in speech competitions, working part time, and really enjoying life.

Four years ago (at age 17) I was approaching the end of my junior year. After just breaking up with a long time boyfriend, I was free and single at last! I tottered on the very brink of recklesness that summer. But man, I had fun! I spent most of the summer with a good friend of mine, going to parties, dating, working, drinking, laughing, and sneaking out!

Three years ago, I was busy conceiving Chloe. I was also busy preparing a senior project, memorizing two different 7 minute speeches, finishing up my senior work, working part time, and taking college finals. I was engaged to Tony, and spending every spare minute with him. I graduated high school, and two days later discovered I was pregnant. I was terrified. My blood literally ran ice cold. A million thoughts ran through my head, sadly enough, they ran along the lines of abortion/adoption. I just felt that I had so much ahead of me and I wouldn't be able to achieve that with a husband and child. I remember the doctor sitting down with me with a handful of pamphlets. She asked what I wanted to do. I just kind of stared at her, not really hearing what she was saying. I left the clinic in a bit of a fog. But over the next few days I really started to come to terms with the fact that a little person was growing inside of me. I started planning a wedding, moving in with Tony, and working. Life was busy!

Two years ago, sweet little Chloe was just a few months old, and I was enjoying being home with her. Tony had just been laid off, and the only job he had was on again/off again construction work. It was too unreliable and money was getting tight. So I started working. My sister who ran an at home daycare watched Chloe, and I started working at a computer call in center. I loved my job, and excelled prety well. It was very tiring and difficult though, being the breadwinner. The money wasn't great, so I would call myself more of a crustwinner.

One year ago, an energetic, speedy sperm met a friendly, hospitable egg, and little baby Ali began. I was still working at the same computer center, Tony was working construction still. We were really starting to settle down and get used to life. Chloe had just turned one and showing off her super sweet personality.

And now...I'm a stay at home mom. Tony works for a corrugated box company as a senior assistant operator (soon to be operator! Woot!) Chloe just turned two, and keeps me laughing all day long. And sweet Ali is just a few months old. I stay at home for several reasons. The primary reason is financial. The cost of putting two kiddos in daycare is astronomical. Plus I'd have to obtain a new work wardrobe, gas to and from work, lunches, etc. I would be spending more than I'd be making! It wouldn't make sense. The second reason is medical. Throughout both of my pregnancies, I had a tipped pelvis. My body also produced too much of the hormone Relaxin, which made my hips and pelvis spread out too far. As a result, I was in so much pain I could barely sit for five minutes. I would have to crawl to the bathroom in the middle of the night because I couldn't stand up. I definetely wouldn't be able to go back to a sit down job, as the pain is too excruciating. I have physical therapy and chiropractic appointments every week, and my physical therapist has recommended that I rest as much as I can, and take it easy. The third reason is pure love! I love my kids. I love my husband! I love being able to stay at home with my girls, give them quality care, and spend as much time with them as possible. Things get frustrating, chaotic, and boring. But the thought of someone else raising my kids all day makes me so sad. I also like to be able to cook for my husband, and keep a clean home (which doesn't happen as much as I'd like!)

So, that was the past five years. In three years I graduated high school, moved three times, got married, had two kids, went to college, and broke my back. It's been a crazy ride!

And it's interesting that hindsight is always 20/20. I see so many things in my past that I shouldn't have done. But it made me who I am, and I like that person. She would be even better minus 30 pounds though!

BULLIES!

Bullies. They run rampant through high schools, middle schools, and elementaries. They steal lunch money, tease, pressure their peers, and get physically violent. Most kids are confronted with a bully at some time in their school career.

But when did bullies start appearing at the playground? Two and three year old bullies? Yesterday Chloe and I went to the park. I strapped Alivia in the Mei Tai and pushed Chloe on the swing. It was a sunny day, very rare for February, and there were a few other kids and Mamas at the playground too. I may be a paranoid freak, but I watch my child closely at the playground. Especially since she is not that steady climbing up and down playground equipment. A Mom was there with two girls, a one year old, and a three year old. The three year old and Chloe were playing side by side in the bark, but not really interacting with each other. The older girl took a stick out of Chloe's hand and then got up and ran away with it. My sweet girl looked up at me confused then laughed and said UH OH! She picked up another stick and continued playing. A few minutes later she was climbing up the stairs to go on the slide, and the older girl was coming down. I told Chloe to scoot over so that her friend could pass. The girl stopped right in front of Chloe, facing her. I called Chloe's name again and started toward her. Chloe looked at me and right then the girl shoved her with all of her little three year old force. Chloe went flying backwards off the stairs, tumbling head over heels down 7 hard stairs. She was bawling, but not bleeding or anything. I stood her up and brushed her off but she said "Go home!!!" So we left. As I was leaving I glanced at the mom and hear her say in the sweetest, softest sing-song voice "Oh no no baby, don't hit!!!" Umm...your daughter just shoved mine down a flight of stairs, and THAT is your reaction? Come on lady!

I think I need to prepare myself for the long hard years ahead. I just hate seeing my child hurt, and when it was another child that did the damage, my heart just aches. I know this happens all the time, but it really STINKS to be on the receiving end. Thank God Chloe is a calm, mild mannered child who has never hit another kid. I pray that it stays that way.

I love that my toddler is really sensitive and sweet, she loves to cuddle and read and is uber attached to her Mommy. It hurts to see her hurt. Even though she was fine when we got back home. She even picked up her blankie and said night night Mommy as she walked to her room for her nap. I'm so lucky!!!!

C-O-L-I-C

What's a five letter word for absolute hell? A devastating, heart breaking, guilt filled experience? The shedding of tears, frustration, pain, and utter exhaustion?

COLIC.

I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. It's causing a strain on my marriage, my relationship with Chloe, and my sanity.

Chloe and I left Ali with Dad today and went to the library. I checked out a ton of books written about colic. Chloe and I got some one on one time, and a little mini break. Afterwards we went across the street to the park. I met the nicest mom! She was there with her two girls, one of whom was only a few months older than Chloe. We chit chatted for awhile and when she asked if Ali was a good baby, I just smiled tersely and said "Oh yes, she's great!"

Yeah....not so much. I enjoy her the very most when she is sleeping, because those times are few and far between. The nights have been getting worse, and I am currently surviving on 2-3 hours of sleep a night. Unfortunately, I have NEVER been able to sleep during the day when it is light, no matter how tired I am, so I can't nap when Chloe and Ali are napping. Since my husband works graveyard shift, I am alone at nights. Which happens to be her very fussiest time.

The definition of colic is basically a baby that won't stop crying. It's easy to diagnose...as long as baby cries more than 3 hours a day, 3 days a week, for 3 weeks...she has colic. It hasn't been 3 weeks for us yet, but so far 6-7 hours a day, 7 days a week, so I am pretty sure we qualify. The hardest part is figuring out the CAUSE of colic. So far I am unsure. Since I am partially breastfeeding, I thought it may be caused by allergies or some other gastrointestinal irritation. So I am currently on a dairy free diet. I'll try that to see if that makes any difference in her fussiness. We are also switching her to soy formula. If that doesn't work, we are going to try an allergy-sensitive formula. If THAT doesn't work..I'm not sure what we can do from there.

I had colic as a child. My mother said I screamed through the first six months of my life. Non stop. I put them through hell. Payback sucks.

The other hard part about colic is your child is inconsolable. Her screams are ear piercing, her face turns red, her tummy gets hard as a rock, and she waves her fists in the air in anger. I have tried every trick possible, going for drives, walks, slinging her, swinging her, shushing her, swaying, rocking, bouncing, letting her cry on her own, putting her on her tummy, back, side, patting, massaging, bathing, feeding, burping, changing, white noise, warmer room, cooler room, going outside, talking, singing, music, more light, less light, no blankets..yeah, you get the drift.

I am going through a bit of an internal battle. It's hard not to blame yourself when your child cries nonstop. You feel like a bad parent, you feel guilt-ridden, hopeless, helpless, and frustrated. You snap easily at others when they offer help, you become a recluse and stop answering the phone when friends call. You type out blog posts as fast as you possible can so you can finish before baby wakes yet again.

It's a roller coaster. But it will end eventually. The road is long and bumpy, but the end is in sight. And most parents who have been through it say that they have an insanely close bond with their colicky child. So hang on Ali, we'll make it through.

Utter CHAOS!

My house is in CHAOS mode. According to http://flylady.net/, that means "Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome." My living room is a mass of toys, dirty laundry, diaper changing paraphernelia, dirty dishes, shoes, you name it. My kitchen sink is overflowing, the floor needs swept, and something is growing a rather pretty bluish/greenish tinted fuzz in my refrigerator. Chloe's room is bursting at the seams with clothes, books, toys, stuffed animals, and who knows what else. I have a laundry pile that is close to 6 feet tall. In the interest of adjusting to sharing my time with two kids, I have competely neglected all things related to housework. Ali is still nursing around the clock, and it is rather hard to fold clothes with one hand. My poor family is suffering as I haven't made a nice homecooked meal in weeks!

It's time to get back in the swing of things. Before I had Ali, in about my 7th month of pregnancy, I started FLYing. I started following FlyLady's routine daily, along with a group of Mamas I met online. We kept each other focused, motivated, and accountable. My house was gleaming! DH was ecstatic, and I threw out many, many garbage bags of unused clutter. It was so freeing! And the daily routine was easy to follow. But I really regret letting my house go down the pooper for nearly a month.

So today I began Flying again! The great thing about Flylady is that she stresses BABY STEPS. Don't do it all at once or else you will get flustered and frustrated and burnt out. Then the house will get just as bad the next day. So today I began by setting my timer for fifteen minutes and straightening up my kitchen. When the timer went off, I stopped. I barely made a dent in the massive clutter....BUT tomorrow I will do another fifteen in the kitchen, and fifteen in the living room. I should be caught up soon. It is so wonderful to have a clean house! Plus getting off my rear end and working does wonders for losing that darn baby weight! And since Ali is a rather attached child, I can pop her in the Mei Tai and she is content to snuggle up to me as I put a little elbow grease into scrubbing the crap out of a grease covered pan. The joys of being a housewife!

So check out FlyLady's website. She has a lot of ideas for getting your house in tip top shape, and even better, KEEPING it that way!