Sunday, April 29, 2007

A Sunday afternoon nap

Today, started off pretty early. I spent the morning brewing coffee, straightening up the kitchen, starting laundry, and playing with the kiddos.

Around 11, I decided to do some decluttering in our monster of a bedroom closet. I brought Ali in the room with me to hang out on the bed while I worked. She was acting pretty tired, so I laid down with her and curled her up against me. This is how she usually falls asleep, but once she is out, I can get up and leave her to rest.

So while she is laying there, falling asleep, I am preoccupied with all the things I need to do. I'm thinking about all of the junk in the closet and what I'm going to do with it, the coffee I've left on the kitchen counter that is growing cold, and the shower I so desperately need. I'm laying there with my mind running a mile a minute waiting for Ali to fall into a deep enough sleep so I can slowly manuever my arm out from underneath her and get to work.

As I listen to her slow even breathing, and feel the tickle of her soft breath on my cheek, I place my hand on her chest and feel the slow beat of her tiny heart. With each steady breath, I feel my body start to relax, and all the tension and stress just melts away. I slowly drift off into a peaceful sleep.

The hubby came in to find us sleeping, covered us with a blanket, turned off the light and shut the door. Soon the sounds of Chloe's laughter and squealing as Daddy played with her filled the house.


I slowly started to wake up from the restful nap. I watched Alivia's peaceful, smooth, innocent face, listened to her sweet little sleep sighs, and thought about my life. At that very moment, that exact second in time, nothing else mattered. I didn't care about the credit card payment that was late, or the car that needed repairs. I wasn't worried about those extra stubborn pounds I can't get rid of, or the savings account that is shockingly small.

All the stresses that seem to take over my life and occupy my thoughts, all of the bills, the money, the arguments, the tension. None of it matters. In five years, I won't even remember it. But my family, my sweet, sweet girls, they'll always be there. I wish I could take a mental snapshot and tuck it away in my heart forever.

We may not have a new mini van, or matching furniture. Some of my clothes may be hand me downs, and my socks might have holes in them. I might not own any name brand clothes, or luxury hand bags. My shoes might cost less than five dollars, or I might not wear shoes at all. My nail polish might be from the dollar store, and we might drink tap water rather than bottled.

But I have my family. And they have me. All of those giant things that make me so stressed out are so small and insignificant. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what tomorrow holds. But all that matters is this very moment in time.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

The pigeons

Today was a busy day. We have been go go go all day long. But in the midst of our crazy agenda, my toddler taught me an important lesson.....SLOW DOWN!

This afternoon we were at the park. Chloe is very timid and shy around strangers, she doesn't like to stray far from Mom. She is very content to sit on the sidelines and watch other kids play. At first it made me sad, as if she is left out. But that is what she enjoys doing, I guess. She loves the swings, and would swing all day long if she could. I was pushing her on the swing and she kept pointing to the sky and yelling "Bird! Yook, bird!" It was a pigeon, we have lots around here, so it was nothing out of the ordinary. A few minutes later, "Yook, bird!" And again "Yook, Mama, bird!" I acknowledged that it was a bird, and smiled at her excitement. Then a few minutes later she watched a bird peck along the grass, then take flight. Her voice was filled with amazement and she said very solemnly "Yook, bird fie, Mom." She watched it soar high in the sky until it was out of sight. "Wowwww!" She breathed.

Sometimes I wish I could see the world through a child's eyes. Everything is so new and amazing, colors are bright and vivid, every day things become extraordinary. It feels as though with age, everything becomes dull, ordinary, mundane, and boring. Birds ARE amazing. Even annoying pigeons.

She is so observant, it is amazing! The park is located near a busy street, and she pointed out the sounds of a motorcycle, a diesel truck, a semi, and the boom of a stereo system. But to me, it was just ordinary traffic noise. She pointed to the helicopter, then the airplane, then another bird in the sky, all of which I wouldn't have noticed. As we walked back to the car, she let go of my hand and knelt down to point at a tiny ant. If she hadn't pointed to it and said "Yook, goss bug!" I probably would have stepped on it and never known it existed.

Her deep, chocolate eyes are so full of life. They dance with excitement and sparkle when she laughs. She is so curious and innocent. The world is just a big giant playground for her to explore.

I wish I could shield her from the sorrow of the world. I want this innocence and wonder to last forever. But before I know it, she will be learning about war, violence, corruption, and pain.

Too soon, the joy and wonder of toddlerhood will end for her. I want to hold every moment that I have with this sweet child close to my heart and never forget it.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Super Mama!

Today was a good day in the land of Mommyville. I was able to take a shower, brush my teeth and get ready. My toddler ate all her fruits and veggies, the toons were off most of the time, Alivia was unusually cheerful. Both girls napped for two hours at the same time and I was able to put that elbow grease to work.

My family is going to bed in freshly washed bedding, with a yummy dinner in their tummy, in a clean home. I packed a healthy lunch for hubby and got him off to work in time. My tub is gleaming, the house smells fresh and clean, and I probably lost a good ten pounds from cleaning nonstop all day! My house was a major tornado zone, but it finally has some semblance of order!

So it was a successful day! Little Ali is rolling over already. It seems way too early for that. Next is scooting, crawling, cruising, then it's all downhill from there! She just wants to get up and go like her big sissy!

Now I'm catching the latest episode of Shear Genius, my newest Bravo fascination. I am obsessed with the reality shows on Bravo. Real Housewives of Orange County, Top Chef, Project Runway, Top Design, and now Shear Genius! Love them! Then it's bedtime where I can snuggle in to my fresh warm sheets and cuddle my chubby, sweet, wiggle worm. is good!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

My, how things change!

It's so very interesting to think back on life's events. Some things make you cringe, some make you smile, and some get you a little misty eyed.

I have changed so much over the past five years. I know, everyone changes. But my life changes have been pretty drastic. Five years ago I was a carefree, fun loving, irresponsible teenager. I loved going out with friends, I laughed a lot, was always making jokes. I actually liked high school and excelled, especially in English and Literature. I was competing in speech competitions, working part time, and really enjoying life.

Four years ago (at age 17) I was approaching the end of my junior year. After just breaking up with a long time boyfriend, I was free and single at last! I tottered on the very brink of recklesness that summer. But man, I had fun! I spent most of the summer with a good friend of mine, going to parties, dating, working, drinking, laughing, and sneaking out!

Three years ago, I was busy conceiving Chloe. I was also busy preparing a senior project, memorizing two different 7 minute speeches, finishing up my senior work, working part time, and taking college finals. I was engaged to Tony, and spending every spare minute with him. I graduated high school, and two days later discovered I was pregnant. I was terrified. My blood literally ran ice cold. A million thoughts ran through my head, sadly enough, they ran along the lines of abortion/adoption. I just felt that I had so much ahead of me and I wouldn't be able to achieve that with a husband and child. I remember the doctor sitting down with me with a handful of pamphlets. She asked what I wanted to do. I just kind of stared at her, not really hearing what she was saying. I left the clinic in a bit of a fog. But over the next few days I really started to come to terms with the fact that a little person was growing inside of me. I started planning a wedding, moving in with Tony, and working. Life was busy!

Two years ago, sweet little Chloe was just a few months old, and I was enjoying being home with her. Tony had just been laid off, and the only job he had was on again/off again construction work. It was too unreliable and money was getting tight. So I started working. My sister who ran an at home daycare watched Chloe, and I started working at a computer call in center. I loved my job, and excelled prety well. It was very tiring and difficult though, being the breadwinner. The money wasn't great, so I would call myself more of a crustwinner.

One year ago, an energetic, speedy sperm met a friendly, hospitable egg, and little baby Ali began. I was still working at the same computer center, Tony was working construction still. We were really starting to settle down and get used to life. Chloe had just turned one and showing off her super sweet personality.

And now...I'm a stay at home mom. Tony works for a corrugated box company as a senior assistant operator (soon to be operator! Woot!) Chloe just turned two, and keeps me laughing all day long. And sweet Ali is just a few months old. I stay at home for several reasons. The primary reason is financial. The cost of putting two kiddos in daycare is astronomical. Plus I'd have to obtain a new work wardrobe, gas to and from work, lunches, etc. I would be spending more than I'd be making! It wouldn't make sense. The second reason is medical. Throughout both of my pregnancies, I had a tipped pelvis. My body also produced too much of the hormone Relaxin, which made my hips and pelvis spread out too far. As a result, I was in so much pain I could barely sit for five minutes. I would have to crawl to the bathroom in the middle of the night because I couldn't stand up. I definetely wouldn't be able to go back to a sit down job, as the pain is too excruciating. I have physical therapy and chiropractic appointments every week, and my physical therapist has recommended that I rest as much as I can, and take it easy. The third reason is pure love! I love my kids. I love my husband! I love being able to stay at home with my girls, give them quality care, and spend as much time with them as possible. Things get frustrating, chaotic, and boring. But the thought of someone else raising my kids all day makes me so sad. I also like to be able to cook for my husband, and keep a clean home (which doesn't happen as much as I'd like!)

So, that was the past five years. In three years I graduated high school, moved three times, got married, had two kids, went to college, and broke my back. It's been a crazy ride!

And it's interesting that hindsight is always 20/20. I see so many things in my past that I shouldn't have done. But it made me who I am, and I like that person. She would be even better minus 30 pounds though!