Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Welcome to America!

So, you are thinking of coming to America? It's a magical place, really. No where else on Earth can you come to a country and become a millionaire practically overnight. You can achieve your dreams and feel free to express your ideas and thoughts.

You will find lush forests, towering sky scrapers, neatly mowed lawns in Suburbia, and warm, sandy beaches on the coast.

You will meet men and women of every color, race, ethnic background, and every moral and religious belief system. Men who love men, women who love women, and lots who love both.

You can watch child movie stars who make millions, reality TV shows about nothing, late night shows, true crime series, and any of the other programs on your 1200+ channel set.

You can drive through any town and see high flying American flags, hear the star spangled banner, vote at your local polling place, and lobby for the latest issue on the capitol steps.


I think you would be hard pressed to find a country that has this much diversity, this much freedom, this much opportunity.

Welcome to America! The land of hope!

And the land of despair.

This is America, the country where we don't give a damn about each other.

The country where a molested child is finally taken out of her home and placed into a foster home, where she is then molested.

This wonderful land of morbidly obese children, a McDonald's on every corner, and a school cafeteria that calls a packet of ketchup a 'vegetable'.

This fantastic country where babies are tossed out with the daily trash, women are raped in alleys, and a Mexican immigrant is beaten to death by rich white kids.


Welcome to America! The country where you can sue the coffee shop for making coffee that is too hot. And you can be sued over taking your neighbor's newspaper.

This is the place where the customer is always right (even when he is wrong) and customer service does not exist anymore. The place where you can pitch a fit about your burger because you ordered it without mustard; yet you can see a smudge of the yellow stuff on the bun.

This is the country where billion dollar executives live in the same zip code as homeless children.

If you come to America, please come see our crumbling schools, under paid and under appreciated teachers, and parents who won't send a pack of crayons to the classroom with their child.

On our buses you will find bullies. In our courtrooms you will find snakes. In our operating rooms you will find lawsuits waiting to happen.

This is the country where the sickly can't get health insurance. The rich can't get enough Botox.

If you decide to relocate to this amazing country, don't forget to visit Capitol Hill and say hello to a corrupt politician. Wave hi to that racist policeman over there, and don't forget to grab a donut at the overpriced coffee shop. And if that donut makes you sick? Sue!!!!

The United States...home of the pill pushing 8 year old, gang-banging 10 year old, and child-porn-watching 50 year old.

The place where we check out the daily Hollywood gossip and stalk every moment of a celebrity's life and relationships. And then make a TV show out of it.

This is the country where you can get married at a drive thru chapel, and you can get divorced a few minutes later.

This is the land of Give-Me-What-I-Deserve, and the land of I-Don't-Want-To-Lift-A-Finger.

Welcome to the place where we bitch and moan over how hard it is to make it these days. (As we drive to our 3 story houses in our gas-guzzling SUVs)

It's America. And out of all of the countries in the world, there is absolutely no place like it. If you decide to come, if you are willing to take the plunge, please be aware that you are in for a rough ride. The rewards are sweet, the injustices bitter, and the roller coaster is wild. Watch out for that good Samaritan though. It looks like he is extending his hand to help you up, but he is really trying to steal your watch.

Hope you enjoy your stay.